Post by Thrakus on Mar 21, 2008 9:32:03 GMT -5
www.gameinformer.com/News/Story/200803/N08.0319.1749.36294.htm
www.gameinformer.com/News/Story/200803/N08.0320.1714.07227.htm?Page=1
Alongside other important human needs such as the requirements of food, shelter and safety is, well, the need to act like a jerk every once in a while. Sure, there are people who somehow manage to suppress those base instincts, but they’re either walking around with an embolism’s worth of rage slowly simmering inside their skulls or they’re just flat-out nerds. Since we’re all well-adjusted and productive members of society, we thought we’d pass along some ways to get those jerky feelings out through the magic of video games. Or something like that.
Simulations
So-called “God games” have moved from their pseudo-theistic Populous roots, but the gist is still the same. As an unseen observer perched high above the action, players manipulate and manage environments, all for the satisfaction of a bunch of little make-believe people. If you see the words “Sim” or “Tycoon” in a game’s title, it’s a pretty safe bet that the game fits those requirements—and our jerk requirements, too.
Roller Coaster Tycoon: Players can trap patrons into their park by luring them in with the promise of free balloons and keeping them there with a one-way gate. After plunking down a partially completed section of track, the real fun begins. As shown in this clip, the car zips along until it runs out of rail, at which point it plows into the hapless crowd of balloon-worshipping idiots. Don’t worry—nobody gets hurt.
Zoo Tycoon: In other pain-free news, people who flock to the exhibits in Zoo Tycoon are actually getting hugged by newly purchased tigers who are mistakenly delivered outside of their pens.
The Sims: While you can certainly play nice with your Simmish inhabitants, part of the game’s lasting appeal comes from the ability to “manipulate” your Sims, creating human zoos, firetraps without exits or swimming pools without ladders. Enjoy, sicko.
RPGs
RPGs often try to create situations filled with moral ambiguity, which, for our purposes, won’t make us lose any sleep. Turn in the thief or believe that he’s reformed his sticky-fingered ways? Enjoy prison, loser. Return the artifact or keep it and say you couldn’t find it? Do you even have to ask?
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: While KOTOR gave players the choice between the light and dark sides, BioWare could have easily called it the jerk side and been completely accurate. While there are moments of pure evil in the game, most of the time players zoom around a galaxy far, far away acting like a Grade A D-bag. This clip is a great example of the kinds of tomfoolery your space jerk can engage in (contains spoilers). OK, it is a little evil.
Fable: Players can slaughter everyone in a town and purchase their now-vacant homes. After a while, those citizens respawn—and have to pay the player rent to live in their former houses. Wow.
Dark Messiah of Might and Magic: One of this game’s bullet points is its physics system—which is essentially a welcome mat for would-be mischief makers. While kicking people off lookout posts and into spiked walls rarely gets old, we have a soft spot for things a bit more slapstick in nature. For this, we’re eternally indebted to the game’s freezing spell. After casting it on the ground, any enemy foolish (or oblivious) enough to step into the ice-slicked surface tumbles to the ground or off the nearest railing. Let the evil cackling commence.
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion: While we’re on the subject of physics and Ye Olde-Timey action, we have to bring up Oblivion and the marvelous “Enemies Explode” spell. While we suppose it could be used on enemies who need to be exploded, it’s much more fun to take it along with you when you’re shopping. Cast it onto shelves and tables, and it’ll send everything in its path flying. Buy it from the Bravil Mages Guild as soon as possible—budding jerks won’t be caught without it.
Action
We're lumping the rest of the games in our guide under the action banner, because that seems like a pretty jerky thing to do.
Grand Theft Auto III: With the outrageous prices in Liberty City, it’s easy to see why people do their best to save cash whenever possible. In one of
Grand Theft Auto III’s most notorious moments, players can secure the company of a friendly lady who, presumably, borrows a little money. After bouncing around in the car for a little while, she leaves. If players are looking for an opportunity for frugality, they can get that loan repaid instantly by playfully tapping her with a baseball bat and picking up the neatly stacked pile of bills. We advise players to use that cash to buy a protective vest from the nearest Ammu-Nation—the city is full of maniacs, and you can never be too careful
Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Sam Fisher’s Sticky Shockers can be fired from a distance, giving the recipients nice electrical jolts which aren’t as deadly as, say, C4, but are just as satisfying. They’re especially great at ending those inane guard conversations, say, if someone is talking to their family on a telephone during a break…
BioShock: While BioShock lets you bash in Splicer faces (and Big Daddy helmets) with wrenches or zap them with electric bolts, those are more brutal and cool than we’re looking for. No, to be a jerk in BioShock, you’re going to need help from your little bee buddies. Anyone can smack someone around with a piece of metal—to do it while they’re fanning the air frantically takes a special kind of person. Better still, you can charm the Big Daddies to do your dirty work for you, jerk.
Metal Gear Solid: Not even the bathroom provides haven from the jerk menace. Anyone can just shoot a urinating victim in the back—only a special breed of Snake will sneak up, plant C4 on him and detonate it from afar.
Bully: On a smaller but no less impressive scale, Bully lets players indulge their inner jerks in what is perhaps the most sophisticate jerk tool currently available. As Jimmy Hopkins, players have access to a wide range of options, including swirlies, firecrackers and a devastatingly bouncy rubber-band ball. Our favorite trick involves marbles and the fire alarm. Add stink bombs for a little extra flair.
Lemmings: Those little mop-topped critters might be cute (we're still not 100-percent sold on that), but they're sure dumb. After you hit the inevitable road block, a forced march into the abyss/water will make you feel better and exercise that jerk muscle.
Pikmin: These guys actually are cute, so we generally feel bad when we send them into the nearest pool of water or gaping maw of the closest enemy. Still, their little ghosts drift upward, reminding us that they're heading to a better (jerk free) place.
Stay tuned for the conclusion to our jerk guide, with a focus on multiplayer action.
Multiplayer
Yesterday, we brought you a quick look at some of the best ways to be a jerk in games. Whether you get your kicks from torturing Sims, tossing Pikmin into harm’s way or knocking things off shelves in Oblivion, there are about as many ways to release your diabolical side as there are games. While it’s great to give AI a hard time, there’s something especially satisfying about making life tough for your friends. Of course, we don’t condone doing anything that causes actual harm or permanent damage. Annoy your buddies a few times and then get back to playing the game—or find yourself without anyone willing to play with.
Battlefield 2: OK, camping is not cool, but it can be hilarious. Being able to play with 64 players online is the perfect way to be a jerk and duck back into the shadows. Simply sneak into the enemy’s base, plant some C4 on an airplane and wait. The timing is up to you but hilarity levels usually peak around the time the airplane is lifting off. If that’s not enough, find yourself a truck and park on the end of a runway. When someone tries to take of, hit the gas, get some speed and bail out. We like the call this the old “Ghosty the truck into the F-16” trick.
Super Smash Bros. Melee/Brawl: Donkey Kong and Kirby look so sweet and innocent that it’s easy to forget that they’re actually two of the most reckless, suicidal fighters around. Each has a throw move that can be used to grab (or swallow) and transport an opponent for a short distance. Since we’re jerks, these short distances are almost always off the edge of the stage, resulting in the loss of one life for each player. It’s most effective if you’re playing a stock match and up by one, though it’s equally infuriating in any other mode.
Mortal Kombat (series): We concede that without the moral-outrage-baiting fatalities, the Mortal Kombat games probably wouldn’t have been nearly as popular. And those spine-tearing and heart ripping moves are a fundamental part of the game, too. Still, it’s pretty obnoxious to not only defeat your opponent in a best-of-three match but then follow it up by ripping their head off with your bare hands. The second game added friendships, which were stripped of their violence, but retained all the humiliating fun.
Any game with Wario: Wario is another great benchmark for gaming jerks. If you’re looking to annoy your friends while playing just about any of Nintendo’s myriad sports, party or racing games, you’ll be best served picking the guy in the purple pants. He has the best taunts, the most grating voice and, best of all, is the most flatulent. Or, you could do a complete 180 and pick Peach, since she is so incredibly boring and bland that losing to her is like being beaten by a lump of tofu.
Worms (series): While most of the weapons in the Worms games are accompanied by a certain degree of pain and humiliation (depending on which end you’re on), defeating a friend by using the grappling hook for a drive-by dynamite kill is especially jerky. The weapon lets your worm swoop up close and drop off an explosive on your way to your next kill. It’s a great way to show your opponent that he’s not even worth pausing for.
Madden (series): Sure, anyone can run into the end zone, but to really drive your jerk point home, you need to showboat a little. We can only imagine how many controllers have been twisted in half and friendships ruined by the simple act of a little virtual dancing.
Animal Crossing: This is another great jerk simulator, and it’s even better when you’re sharing a town with friends. There really is a ton of stuff you can do to bug your buddies. Write spam messages! Bury pitfall traps outside their door! Take all the trash you’ve accumulated and bury it all over the place. The DS version is even better, since you won’t have to ruin your own town. How many trees can you cut down in a minute…?
Gauntlet: Roaming through a treacherous dungeon with three other players can make an adventurer hungry. If you have plenty of health, though, is it really your problem that your fellow players’ stomachs are growling? Though the narrator tells you not to, go ahead and shoot some of that food. Really, it’s all right…
Just about any online FPS: Teabagging was probably discovered seconds after players were given the ability to crouch in first-person shooters. While the ability to hunker low is a great way to reduce your profile and take cover from enemy fire, it’s also a fantastic way to annoy people online. Squatting and standing up repeatedly on a fallen enemy’s virtual face is so ubiquitous now that it doesn’t get the same reaction as when it first started happening, but it’s still a totally jerky move.
World of Warcraft: You could easily fill a book with all the different ways to be a jerk in World of Warcraft, so we’ll just hit on two of the easiest/most annoying ones. Killing the rival factions’ low-level questgivers is a good way to stymie your opponents’ progress. Getting rid of their flightmasters is also only temporary, but it’s a good way to kill some time or as a nice little sendoff before turning in for the evening.
Crackdown: As your fellow agent slowly, painfully works his way up to the top of the Agency Tower, you kick him in the face. As he falls to the ground below, he has enough time to bellow, “You jerk!” Mission accomplished.
Some vids of these actions:
Bully trick:
Rollercoaster Bowling:
Tiger Hugs:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB5hrhjUjOk
13 Ways to Kill a Sim:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yLf5naDxZQ&feature=related
KOTOR jerk:http://youtube.com/watch?v=uel1P7yRcNY
(And some HK-47, cause he rules! Meatbag!)
Dark Messiah Slips:http://youtube.com/watch?v=G-Ne52mBBLc
www.gameinformer.com/News/Story/200803/N08.0320.1714.07227.htm?Page=1
Alongside other important human needs such as the requirements of food, shelter and safety is, well, the need to act like a jerk every once in a while. Sure, there are people who somehow manage to suppress those base instincts, but they’re either walking around with an embolism’s worth of rage slowly simmering inside their skulls or they’re just flat-out nerds. Since we’re all well-adjusted and productive members of society, we thought we’d pass along some ways to get those jerky feelings out through the magic of video games. Or something like that.
Simulations
So-called “God games” have moved from their pseudo-theistic Populous roots, but the gist is still the same. As an unseen observer perched high above the action, players manipulate and manage environments, all for the satisfaction of a bunch of little make-believe people. If you see the words “Sim” or “Tycoon” in a game’s title, it’s a pretty safe bet that the game fits those requirements—and our jerk requirements, too.
Roller Coaster Tycoon: Players can trap patrons into their park by luring them in with the promise of free balloons and keeping them there with a one-way gate. After plunking down a partially completed section of track, the real fun begins. As shown in this clip, the car zips along until it runs out of rail, at which point it plows into the hapless crowd of balloon-worshipping idiots. Don’t worry—nobody gets hurt.
Zoo Tycoon: In other pain-free news, people who flock to the exhibits in Zoo Tycoon are actually getting hugged by newly purchased tigers who are mistakenly delivered outside of their pens.
The Sims: While you can certainly play nice with your Simmish inhabitants, part of the game’s lasting appeal comes from the ability to “manipulate” your Sims, creating human zoos, firetraps without exits or swimming pools without ladders. Enjoy, sicko.
RPGs
RPGs often try to create situations filled with moral ambiguity, which, for our purposes, won’t make us lose any sleep. Turn in the thief or believe that he’s reformed his sticky-fingered ways? Enjoy prison, loser. Return the artifact or keep it and say you couldn’t find it? Do you even have to ask?
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: While KOTOR gave players the choice between the light and dark sides, BioWare could have easily called it the jerk side and been completely accurate. While there are moments of pure evil in the game, most of the time players zoom around a galaxy far, far away acting like a Grade A D-bag. This clip is a great example of the kinds of tomfoolery your space jerk can engage in (contains spoilers). OK, it is a little evil.
Fable: Players can slaughter everyone in a town and purchase their now-vacant homes. After a while, those citizens respawn—and have to pay the player rent to live in their former houses. Wow.
Dark Messiah of Might and Magic: One of this game’s bullet points is its physics system—which is essentially a welcome mat for would-be mischief makers. While kicking people off lookout posts and into spiked walls rarely gets old, we have a soft spot for things a bit more slapstick in nature. For this, we’re eternally indebted to the game’s freezing spell. After casting it on the ground, any enemy foolish (or oblivious) enough to step into the ice-slicked surface tumbles to the ground or off the nearest railing. Let the evil cackling commence.
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion: While we’re on the subject of physics and Ye Olde-Timey action, we have to bring up Oblivion and the marvelous “Enemies Explode” spell. While we suppose it could be used on enemies who need to be exploded, it’s much more fun to take it along with you when you’re shopping. Cast it onto shelves and tables, and it’ll send everything in its path flying. Buy it from the Bravil Mages Guild as soon as possible—budding jerks won’t be caught without it.
Action
We're lumping the rest of the games in our guide under the action banner, because that seems like a pretty jerky thing to do.
Grand Theft Auto III: With the outrageous prices in Liberty City, it’s easy to see why people do their best to save cash whenever possible. In one of
Grand Theft Auto III’s most notorious moments, players can secure the company of a friendly lady who, presumably, borrows a little money. After bouncing around in the car for a little while, she leaves. If players are looking for an opportunity for frugality, they can get that loan repaid instantly by playfully tapping her with a baseball bat and picking up the neatly stacked pile of bills. We advise players to use that cash to buy a protective vest from the nearest Ammu-Nation—the city is full of maniacs, and you can never be too careful
Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Sam Fisher’s Sticky Shockers can be fired from a distance, giving the recipients nice electrical jolts which aren’t as deadly as, say, C4, but are just as satisfying. They’re especially great at ending those inane guard conversations, say, if someone is talking to their family on a telephone during a break…
BioShock: While BioShock lets you bash in Splicer faces (and Big Daddy helmets) with wrenches or zap them with electric bolts, those are more brutal and cool than we’re looking for. No, to be a jerk in BioShock, you’re going to need help from your little bee buddies. Anyone can smack someone around with a piece of metal—to do it while they’re fanning the air frantically takes a special kind of person. Better still, you can charm the Big Daddies to do your dirty work for you, jerk.
Metal Gear Solid: Not even the bathroom provides haven from the jerk menace. Anyone can just shoot a urinating victim in the back—only a special breed of Snake will sneak up, plant C4 on him and detonate it from afar.
Bully: On a smaller but no less impressive scale, Bully lets players indulge their inner jerks in what is perhaps the most sophisticate jerk tool currently available. As Jimmy Hopkins, players have access to a wide range of options, including swirlies, firecrackers and a devastatingly bouncy rubber-band ball. Our favorite trick involves marbles and the fire alarm. Add stink bombs for a little extra flair.
Lemmings: Those little mop-topped critters might be cute (we're still not 100-percent sold on that), but they're sure dumb. After you hit the inevitable road block, a forced march into the abyss/water will make you feel better and exercise that jerk muscle.
Pikmin: These guys actually are cute, so we generally feel bad when we send them into the nearest pool of water or gaping maw of the closest enemy. Still, their little ghosts drift upward, reminding us that they're heading to a better (jerk free) place.
Stay tuned for the conclusion to our jerk guide, with a focus on multiplayer action.
Multiplayer
Yesterday, we brought you a quick look at some of the best ways to be a jerk in games. Whether you get your kicks from torturing Sims, tossing Pikmin into harm’s way or knocking things off shelves in Oblivion, there are about as many ways to release your diabolical side as there are games. While it’s great to give AI a hard time, there’s something especially satisfying about making life tough for your friends. Of course, we don’t condone doing anything that causes actual harm or permanent damage. Annoy your buddies a few times and then get back to playing the game—or find yourself without anyone willing to play with.
Battlefield 2: OK, camping is not cool, but it can be hilarious. Being able to play with 64 players online is the perfect way to be a jerk and duck back into the shadows. Simply sneak into the enemy’s base, plant some C4 on an airplane and wait. The timing is up to you but hilarity levels usually peak around the time the airplane is lifting off. If that’s not enough, find yourself a truck and park on the end of a runway. When someone tries to take of, hit the gas, get some speed and bail out. We like the call this the old “Ghosty the truck into the F-16” trick.
Super Smash Bros. Melee/Brawl: Donkey Kong and Kirby look so sweet and innocent that it’s easy to forget that they’re actually two of the most reckless, suicidal fighters around. Each has a throw move that can be used to grab (or swallow) and transport an opponent for a short distance. Since we’re jerks, these short distances are almost always off the edge of the stage, resulting in the loss of one life for each player. It’s most effective if you’re playing a stock match and up by one, though it’s equally infuriating in any other mode.
Mortal Kombat (series): We concede that without the moral-outrage-baiting fatalities, the Mortal Kombat games probably wouldn’t have been nearly as popular. And those spine-tearing and heart ripping moves are a fundamental part of the game, too. Still, it’s pretty obnoxious to not only defeat your opponent in a best-of-three match but then follow it up by ripping their head off with your bare hands. The second game added friendships, which were stripped of their violence, but retained all the humiliating fun.
Any game with Wario: Wario is another great benchmark for gaming jerks. If you’re looking to annoy your friends while playing just about any of Nintendo’s myriad sports, party or racing games, you’ll be best served picking the guy in the purple pants. He has the best taunts, the most grating voice and, best of all, is the most flatulent. Or, you could do a complete 180 and pick Peach, since she is so incredibly boring and bland that losing to her is like being beaten by a lump of tofu.
Worms (series): While most of the weapons in the Worms games are accompanied by a certain degree of pain and humiliation (depending on which end you’re on), defeating a friend by using the grappling hook for a drive-by dynamite kill is especially jerky. The weapon lets your worm swoop up close and drop off an explosive on your way to your next kill. It’s a great way to show your opponent that he’s not even worth pausing for.
Madden (series): Sure, anyone can run into the end zone, but to really drive your jerk point home, you need to showboat a little. We can only imagine how many controllers have been twisted in half and friendships ruined by the simple act of a little virtual dancing.
Animal Crossing: This is another great jerk simulator, and it’s even better when you’re sharing a town with friends. There really is a ton of stuff you can do to bug your buddies. Write spam messages! Bury pitfall traps outside their door! Take all the trash you’ve accumulated and bury it all over the place. The DS version is even better, since you won’t have to ruin your own town. How many trees can you cut down in a minute…?
Gauntlet: Roaming through a treacherous dungeon with three other players can make an adventurer hungry. If you have plenty of health, though, is it really your problem that your fellow players’ stomachs are growling? Though the narrator tells you not to, go ahead and shoot some of that food. Really, it’s all right…
Just about any online FPS: Teabagging was probably discovered seconds after players were given the ability to crouch in first-person shooters. While the ability to hunker low is a great way to reduce your profile and take cover from enemy fire, it’s also a fantastic way to annoy people online. Squatting and standing up repeatedly on a fallen enemy’s virtual face is so ubiquitous now that it doesn’t get the same reaction as when it first started happening, but it’s still a totally jerky move.
World of Warcraft: You could easily fill a book with all the different ways to be a jerk in World of Warcraft, so we’ll just hit on two of the easiest/most annoying ones. Killing the rival factions’ low-level questgivers is a good way to stymie your opponents’ progress. Getting rid of their flightmasters is also only temporary, but it’s a good way to kill some time or as a nice little sendoff before turning in for the evening.
Crackdown: As your fellow agent slowly, painfully works his way up to the top of the Agency Tower, you kick him in the face. As he falls to the ground below, he has enough time to bellow, “You jerk!” Mission accomplished.
Some vids of these actions:
Bully trick:
Rollercoaster Bowling:
Tiger Hugs:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB5hrhjUjOk
13 Ways to Kill a Sim:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yLf5naDxZQ&feature=related
KOTOR jerk:http://youtube.com/watch?v=uel1P7yRcNY
(And some HK-47, cause he rules! Meatbag!)
Dark Messiah Slips:http://youtube.com/watch?v=G-Ne52mBBLc
